Monday, 5 March 2018

The Past Comes Back to Haunt You

Google image - happy family?

This is a risky post for me, but here goes. First, my own past. Perhaps we all become stuck in the moral climate in which we grew up.  The more enlightened are perhaps able to move on.  I salute those that can adapt. In my youth,  becoming pregnant as a teenager was a common occurrence (it was just before the 'pill' became generally available). In England, it was kept as quiet as possible, it was considered a great shame and for the most part, babies were adopted or couples opted for marriages which were usually short-lived.  There was no fashion for single mothers to keep their children and claim government grants. I remember the one girl it happened to when I was at school: naively, I didn't relate her growing stomach to pregnancy. She married the guy and it lasted five years.  When I was eighteen and far away in my first year at University I became pregnant:  it followed a traumatic time and an affair with a married man when I was still at high school.  I fell in love with him the way other teenagers revered pop stars. My parents eventually found out, ended it and I almost immediately left home and chose a University as far away as I could get.  I thought of myself as a seriously flawed person, I had almost broken up a marriage.  I dated two guys and wasn't sure who was the father. My parents were completely confused, but they supported my decision to have the baby adopted. Throughout the pregnancy I was able to hide things under the 'tent' dresses we wore in 1969.  Luckily, the last two months were during the long summer vacation. My mother joined me and we knitted for the baby, I gave  birth and relieved - handed him over to the foster parents until the adoption could take place.  I have never had a single regret, I was totally not at in a place in my life where I could contemplate motherhood and I was not in love. All along, I told myself I was acting as a surrogate for the adoptive parents who were unable to have children of their own.  
At that time, the law was that children could not find out details about their birth mothers. Almost 50 years later I have been happy with my decision. That was before the Facebook generation and other social media.  My son got a girl pregnant when he was 21.  It was a brief relationship of 6 weeks: she had told him she was on the pill.  When he confessed to us, I was so angry - he had told me her mother was a single mom after three marriages and I was wary. He had been bragging about the great salary he was earning in IT and I immediately suspected this girl was out to get him.  So I blurted out my whole story (which incidentally my husband had always known).  
We told my son to disentangle himself from this girl and we sent him to England before the birth.  Nevertheless, he opted to take responsibility and has supported her financially every since.  Now my husband tells me that the girl is now 18 and would like to meet her other family.  I of course, suspect her motives.  Logically, I tell myself I cannot blame the child for her parents' indiscretion - but I have no wish to meet her.  My other children, especially my daughter, can't see the problem.  They would like to meet. What do you think?


  1. Personally, I wold want to meet her although I can envision how messy it would be.

  2. My sister gave up a son at birth, the week he turned 18 he got in contact with her and it ended up badly. He was an addictive jerk like his biological father. Eventually he grew up and became a good person.
    My cousin had a similar experience and it ended up the same way and in fact, I was the one who found the kid and told my cousin that he was being looked for. That kid had trouble with the law.
    Another guy was looking for his dad and I knew the dad so gave the kid all the info I could but he came up against roadblocks when my sister and her husband said the dad wouldn't be interested. Who are they to say that? I did what I could, even told the kid that his bio great grandfather had just passed away and when & where the funeral would be so he had an opportunity to show up if he wanted.
    All that being said, shes just as wary about meeting all of you as you are about her. You can always go half way to meet her & if you don't care for her, don't go again or never invite her to your home. I wish you all good luck.

    1. It's amazing although maybe not to0 surprising that this happens so often. I really thank you for sharing. Your experiences are so helpful, because I don't feel so alone in my mixed feelings. I also appreciate both you and Olga not being at all judgmental. If I do meet this girl it will be for my son's sake: sometimes I see a very haunted look in his eyes and I sense a sadness. He seems to have changed over the years. I'll let him know I am not unwilling to meet. The best scenario for me would be that her mother has married long ago and this girl has an adoptive father. I have always strongly felt that being the birth mother qualifies you for nothing more than passing on certain genes. The one who brings up the child is the real mom.

  3. In my family and my husbands family women have kids keep them, never marry the father of the kids and their kids suffer a lot..I don't think much of a person who brings an innocent baby into this world and keeps the darling wee one only to suffer and get welfare if they are lucky, lots of times my husbands sister who is a full 10 years younger starved so she could feed her sweet little son, then she had another kid with no father but his parents lavished money and things on the baby and eventually took her to live with them..she got pregnant and had one kid and another never married..I just don't understand why a person cannot get birth control or when they do have a baby doll give it to people you can now meet the family who adopts and let them be loved, fed and cared for..I just don't get finding a biological parent after 18 to 25 years, I had a good friend who found out on graduation night in 1966 she was adopted, she tracked down the mother it was horrible she never wanted her and told her a lot of crap, she cried and got so upset she almost was not able to walk for her diploma, I think those reactions are toooo common! My brother in law has severe ptsd his wife nuts as a bed bug pushed out 3 kids and abused them, the state got involved and a loving family flew in and adopted all of them, he always talks he wants to see them I told him your kids biologically only are now nearly 44 and 42 and 40 and if they wanted to find you they would but they don't and leave it at that God knows you did the very best you could in a heartbreaking situation, he tried to kill himself after they were adopted, but it was big cry for help..Good they were adopted together and he doesn't need to meet them and tell them crap about their batcrap mom and his many many trials, depression and health problems..I have never met anyone who truly benefited from meeting their biological mom and or dad and I worked where they did meet them and it was awful, they never needed to meet them..people give up their babies for a reason and it isn't to be contacted at 50 0r 60 or 70..that said, if a severe medical condition is present in the mom and or dad it should be put on the adoption records to save the babydoll endless misery but that is not meeting the biological mom and or dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!