Monday, 26 September 2016

I am Fed Up With Myself, concerning Sex and a Fire

Well, I couldn't show you the sex

I hope this title is not a euphemism for being slightly depressed. When I started my blog ten years back, I set out to entertain: I wrote often about my eccentric father and brother from my elevated, smug, status of being younger and fitter. Now my parents have long since passed away and I am turning into them. Only I am not yet reconciled to this. Maybe I am refusing to face the reality of most of my in-laws becoming beset with serious health issues. Maybe I should be grateful that my husband is the youngest of five siblings so we cling to the illusion of being the last to 'go'. We've just had a visit from one of my sisters-in-law: her husband had to be taken to kidney dialysis twice during their brief stay of one week. The net result seems to be that I am indulging myself in an ugly display of bad temper, being very irritable and snapping at my husband for no particular reason. I have to take myself in hand. Of course, one way is to cross-examine myself in a blog post. How boring is that for any reader? One thing I might amuse you about is my stubborn refusal to face reality about my diminishing sex life. My husband has bad a 'bad back' for the past few months: of course, he won't admit it is caused by excessive carrying around of 50 kgm pockets of cement and lying on his side, pointing between the bricks of the little walls he is building around our vegetable beds. He has no cartilage left between two of his lumbar vertebrae. He is turning into my dad. Anyway, no decent sex for the last how long... So this morning, while he was in the shower, I decided to have a go with my trusty 'Dolphin' vibrator. I know that I have six minutes of privacy.  I have to confess that he, (the vibrator), is now about 20 years old, but carries on as long as one puts in decent batteries. However, it seems that his (the vibrator's) 'variable speed control' has ceased to function. It's either Full Speed Ahead or nothing.  This is not ideal. After a hectic minute and a half, a climax was achieved (or was it more of a stomach cramp?) and I was left gasping and perhaps wishing I hadn't started this whole exercise. This feeling was aggravated by the sudden appearance of my husband, before his shower, but after his shave (unprecedented), in the bedroom, enquiring as to whether he should do the back exercises I had recommended, before or after his shower? I can't explain how much subterfuge this took on my part to conceal my heavy breathing (the vibrator is quite noisy), but I think I got away with it.   Meantime, there are other excitements back at the ranch.... this afternoon, I smelt a suspiciously gassy smell downstairs.  When I went to look for my husband in his garage, he looked a little sheepish and confessed that he had just had to put out a fire:  he was welding the handle back onto our milk-frother, but a spark had fallen into some left-over paint in a bucket near his feet and caused a fire. Never a dull moment. 


  1. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. October is Fire Safety Month here in the US and Canada. Perhaps a review of the combustibles in range of the welding machine is in order.

    Perhaps also, it is time to trade in the Dolphin for a Rabbit. These magnificent machines are an engineering marvel. Rotating head, hefty mass of rotating steel balls strategically located toward the rear of the shaft, and of course the delicate Rabbit ears on a separate motor for external delights. You definitely want dual set of variable controls. Couple that with some avant garde color schemes and you have a instrument any man would be proud to have in his tool box, and the grand kids could use to shoot aliens. Looking at these beauties makes me want to give up my interest in 60s American muscle cars and just study the horsepower of the drive motors and methodology of the power transmission on the various models. Ahhh and there in lies a possible problem with the Rabbits, they are rather phallocentric and a woman could be forgiven for having a fear of being brutalized by this device. Because I am a male and have a fascination for things mechanical, I offer this article as a simply as a counterbalance to my fascinations. I have no recommendation for or against what is being stated. It is not my intention to offend either the fans or the detractors of the Rabbit. I am just providing some opinion from the loyal opposition.

    To avoid my usual violation of the 4096 character limit on comments. I shall continue in a new comment below.

  2. So speaking of bullshit, there is a myth that older folks no longer need sex, that they should grow out of this need, sex is for young good looking people who are going to replenish the stock of humanity. To hell with that notion.

    You mentioned in your post of having "ugly display of bad temper, being very irritable and snapping at my husband for no particular reason, and a diminishing sex life. May I suggest that the two could possibly be related?

    Full disclosure: I have a bad back and knees, my days of pile driving sex in the missionary position are long over.

    Ahhh, but you see one of the solutions to getting older is to treat common problems of living as a engineering problems and change your behavior from the habits of the pain free movement of the young to an engineered solution more appropriate for the ravages inflicted through age. For instance, I have found going down stairs or grades outdoors backwards to be almost pain free where as going down such in the typical forward manner feels like my knees are going to explode. Make sure the stairs are clear prior to going down, hang on to the banister, and proceed down backwards with no pain. Alas it does't work coming up. I have not got around to doing that in public buildings yet, it does look weird, but in a private residence, pain free movement exceeds my desire to appear normal. Another solution I have found with big box mega stores is park near shopping cart returns, grab a cart on the way into the store and use the cart no matter how small of a purchase. Yes, I look ridiculous with a half gallon of milk or a tube of lip balm in a shopping cart, but no, my back and knees are not in pain.

    So getting back to the subject at hand, bad backs and diminished sex lives. There are things you can do as a couple. First is to recognize that there are few things that you can do in the same fashion that you did when you were young. So adaptation is necessary and sex is no exception. Work together to find viable solutions rather than being embarrassed and ignoring the problem. I think older sex is a lot more fun than young sex. There was always this pressure for things to go off perfectly like a NASA launch. Older couples are making love with their best friends, not trying to live up to some sexual olympian ideals. If things don't work our at the moment, caress each other, take a nap, and try again later.

    Continued next post

  3. Probably the easiest thing to try is different positions that you both find comfortable. I recommend the scissors position:

    This position is very comfortable for the woman, she does not have to tolerate the weight of the man, and there is no loading on the mans knees and far less on his back. The position is also great for post-coital cuddling and a nap while still connected, an activity I highly recommend. However one of the weaknesses of this position is that it is a bit loose and may not offer sufficient stimulation to either partner. If that is the case, I would recommend the sideways rear position that sort of resembles spooning. (I am still talking vaginal intercourse here.) Again it takes the loading off the mans knees and back, is comfortable for the woman, offers a snugger fit, and is also nice for a post coital cuddling and a nap.

    If the normal movements for coitus are difficult for his back regardless of the position, you could consider one of the female superior positions and you do the movements. These however are often very hard on the woman's knees.

    Failing in any of the above I would recommend mutual masturbation or oral methods until very close to orgasm and then join together in coitus for orgasm.

    Another consideration would be a device of the nature of a Lelo Tor 2 that would stimulate both of you during a motionless penetration. There are many such devices on the market. Go with a quality brand of product such a Lelo. The extra cost will be returned in longer life and a safer experience.

    All that said, there is one further consideration. Successful sex does not have to be PIV coitus. You can do a variety of non-coital activities that are easy on the body yet still encourages loving intimacy. My absolute favorite activity is cunnilingus (forgive the bluntness but I think we are all adults here). To me it an act of Divinity, yes with a capital D. When my wife has an orgasm from cunnilingus, I am swept away with her to Oz, Divine Oz, far more so that when I have an orgasm myself. I have some theories about that. I believe there may be some phenomenal chemistry and pheromones that are released during female orgasm that may be readily absorbed by the man due to the proximity offered by the activity. But I have no real proof and it may just be that I really enjoy cunnilingus.

    Continued next post.

  4. For my last comment, I am on shakier ground, and I do not want to come off as sexist by claiming women need men. But my own belief, and I have a tiny bit of evidence, is that both genders benefit from fluid exchange during sex (monogamy with absolute fidelity required obviously).

    There is some evidence that women that come in vaginal contact with semen suffer from less depression. Of course the study is limited and as usual it is college students, but my own belief is that it would be true at any age...although I don't have proof. Here is an article about that study:

    From my own experience with using condoms and not for birth control in our younger years, both of our experience was that sex was exceedingly better with out condoms. It goes far beyond the thoughts of improved sensitivity. I believe that both partners absorb some pretty potent bio-chemistry through wet genital contact.

    Sex is an extremely old function in life. Our intelligence is a new comer speaking in terms of evolution. Is it not possible that when we have sex with a condom, that yes our frontal neocortex that does the thinking knows that we have had sex. But due to the fact that we are chemically insulated from our partner by the condom, the older primordial swamp components of our brain doesn't experience sex, because they want to see rush of chemicals from the partner and it doesn't happen. Again I have little proof of this, but it is my belief.

    Anyhow the long and short of this is regardless what methods you use to attain orgasm, I believe that there is a very definitive chemical benefit in a just in time penetration, that is experience orgasm while in genital contact to allow the absorption of a love potion number 9 from each other's genital fluids. And while connected, stay connected for as long as possible. Take advantage of nature's bounty. Its free!

    Next life time I am going to be a rich software mogul and fund research in my belief.

    Again forgive the bluntness in these comments, but I really do believe that sex is essential for older couple as well as the youngsters.

    1. Ah Sextant, I forgot I could expect much comment from you. And I only wanted someone to say "You made me laugh". Still, very nice to think I had four people commenting. I am familiar with the rabbit, I used to sell them, but I prefer my dolphin (also dual control). The advice about protecting one's back from an engineering point of view is well received. Thank you.

    2. I have probably been listening to too many political speeches here in the US.

  5. I went from having a good laugh at your post to getting a good education (and giggles,too) from Sexant's comments.

    By the way, how was your face not noticeably red and glistening when your husband walked in? :)