Friday, 8 January 2016

Regarding Coping with the Fallout from the "Party that shall not be Named"

It's nearly four weeks on and I still feel as hurt as ever, but in order not to bore, I shall not dwell on this side of things.  Snowbrush's comment made me think: do I have any shameful hidden secret desires?  I can't think of any but he gave me an idea: I am going to invent some. At the moment, I am set on revenge, well not really revenge, just finding some way to get my husband to understand the way I feel. At the moment, he is not approachable, just gets irritable, saying he has never been 'the kind of guy who has affairs',  (is there a type?) and that M has always been 'just one of the boys' to him. So I am rather exploring ways of getting through to him when I have finally fine-tuned my argument. This whole thing has in another way got me thinking about other things. From where does the sub-conscious get it's ideas? I intend to do some research on this because I find I am not myself completely innocent when it comes to unwelcome thoughts coming to me in dreams.  e.g. When our sex life has been on a bit of a downer for more than a week, I have sometimes had sexy dreams featuring, not my husband, but some kind of an anonymous lover. Occasionally, I have woken up and puzzled about what this might mean: I've never been one who has had sexual fantasies about other men/film stars/pop stars etc. Even as a teenager, I had no posters on my bedroom walls. I have never wanted any other man than my husband since the day I met him. So how does one explain such things? The other thing is, I am somewhat cynically trying to be extra sweet and nice to my husband at the moment, anticipating his least desires, to lull him into a false sense of security before I deliver my hammer-blow i.e. a please-explain why he thinks he could have made this remark.  He will say, at best, that it was just a joke, but is there not a wise saying, "Many a true word spoken in jest" ?

It's amazing that the following two quotations have come my way this week, one in a magazine I rarely buy, and the other on the frontispiece of a book I am reading:

"You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars each partner carries on their tongue, earned from years of biting back angry words" 
  (Elizabeth Gilbert - not a favorite author of mine, but apposite in this circumstance).  

Actually, the nasty remarks I have bitten back in the last weeks would be the first scars on my tongue. We've never before said ugly things to each other but now I can see how it can happen.

"Though our brother is upon the rack, as long as we ourselves are at our ease, our senses will never inform us of what he suffers. they never did, and never can, carry us beyond our own person, and it is by the imagination only that we can form any conception of what are his sensations."   Adam Smith, Theory of Moral Sentiments

 This is for those who think I am making a mountain out of a molehill.  I haven't answered your comments yet or looked up the reference Sextant gave me.  I will get to that soon. Meanwhile, I have e-mailed 3 of my trusted female friends who have known us as a couple for the past 35 years, to see what they think.  I await their replies....


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Thank you, Sextant. I appreciate the offer but luckily I find the blog as yet anonymous enough for most things. You will see from my latest post that this drama had a happy ending with salutary lessons learned on both sides.

    2. Good, I am glad you got it resolved. I deleted my address to keep it from getting spammed.

    3. I agree, thanks for taking the risk.