Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Beating About the Bush

A nice bush

I approach this post with some trepidation as it concerns a delicate matter, not usually dealt with on blogs that I read. But here goes... As I've mentioned we were away for a good 3 1/2 weeks and as we were staying with relatives we experienced a certain shyness about 'getting it together' during the hours of the night, with the result that we only managed 'it' once.  As we turned homeward bound, we exchanged knowing smiles and hinted at what joys were to come once we were back in our own bed and in the privacy of our own home.  We mentioned this to each other a few times. The net result was that when we were home and in our own bed, the heightened anticipation resulted in (as Sextant has put it) - equipment failure. Now this was probably on both sides of the bed but is always more obvious on one side than the other. In the past, I have always wondered why psychologists recommend making a special date with one's partner, emphasized by romantic touches like candles/wine/log fire/sweet music or whatever turns you on. On the odd occasion we have tried this even when we were young, we were both so self-conscious and performance-conscious that any such efforts were also a complete flop. Now that we are in our sixties the whole thing can balance on a knife-edge.  Although, I can count on one hand the number of times my husband has had a 'failure to stand up' experience in the last 40 years, he takes the cake as the World's Worst Worrier over just about anything you can think of, anything from 'how will we make it through retirement? (Finance), to 'how can I ever lose weight'? Perhaps his biggest worry ever would be that his sex life may diminish one day.  He lives in denial and doesn't appreciate at all my helpful remarks about prowess having necessarily to decline with age, nor does he understand that I find the idea equally devastating myself. Then I had a brainwave!  After tactfully dropping the subject for a week or so with it nevertheless hanging over us like a ton of bricks,  I remembered my Dolphin!  He always used to enjoy playing with that and we hadn't used it for ages.  So I had a plan.

One morning, I put down my book and asked if he would mind if I indulged myself a little with our favourite sex toy?  He cast me a suspicious look and said 'not to push it' but I just told him to carry on reading and set it to work...... 

After a few minutes, as I had hoped, his book was cast aside and he made a grab for the controls. No words were exchanged but a very satisfactory result was accomplished on both sides.  I hope this heralds a return to normal although I know he still has fears. Still, baby steps.  Meanwhile, did you notice the Freudian title of this post?  Bush? I wish. Menopause has such a lot to answer for. I still think we have a more difficult time than the men.


  1. Well, I am not feeling sorry for myself too much...but I hope you don't have to experience widowdom any time soon! Dolphin? Hmmm...

    1. I thought of you when I wrote this - especially as I think only you and Sextant and Denise read my posts. Anyway, the Dolphin with his unique dual motor is the ideal companion for anyone who finds herself alone for any reason. I wish you strength and courage to get through this August.

  2. Magnificent solution Fiftyodd! Bravo for pulling it off and double bravo for sharing it with us. I have to chuckle at the mental image of your husband trying to calmly read a book while listening to the aria of the double buzzing of the Dolphin's twin motors. Excellent strategy!

    My solution to equipment failures is to 1) expect them, don't fear them, and 2) work around them. Fearing them is probably the worst thing a man can do. Performance anxiety is a self fulfilling prophecy. So how does one work around them? The first big step is the realization that hey nothing on my body works like it did when I was 20 or 30. Why should one expect sex to be any different? My take on that is that if things rise to the occasion, hallelujah, give thanks to the Goddess and enjoy. If they don't (forgive my bluntness) hallelujah, give thanks to the Goddess with my tongue and enjoy. Either way I am in bed with a naked woman that I love and that loves me. HALLELUJAH!!! Either way I have a companion at my side that has tolerated my foibles for 40 years and for some strange reason continues to do so today. In the pure joy of existing with this magnificent being, an erection is small potatoes. It is like standing next to one of the 7 wonders of the world and lamenting that your camera has run out of film...screw the camera...enjoy the experience.

    I would like to interject something here for the benefit of women. Do not take his equipment failure as a lack of desire for you. It is totally amazing, I can have tremendous desire, absolutely be burning with want for my wife and that little bastard can be limp and just totally ignore my desires and wants. It happens, it is not the end of the world, he still loves you and finds you desirable. Don't make him feel worse by accusing him of not desiring you. He does believe me! Just propose an alternate activity and lay back and enjoy!

    Too long continued next message.

  3. Continued from above:

    So the main thing that I do now differently than when I was young is that cunnilingus is no longer a preparatory event, or appetizer so to speak. It has become a full course meal to be enjoyed by both of us to the greatest degree. If little Sextant is standing tall afterwards, fine, then that is desert, if not, no big deal we went to Oz already and it was magnificent!

    Men need to redefine what sex is. The sad fact of the matter is lads that compared to female orgasm male ejaculation is a feeble thing. That little putt...putt...putt is a burning match head compared to a super nova. Go for the super nova and it the match head flares very well, if not, there is the always the next time. I enjoy my wife's orgasms far more than my own. So it really doesn't matter if I have one or not.

    I have a theory about this. I believe that a woman releases from her vulva and vagina a lovely cloud of pheromones during orgasm that basically says Yes, Oh God Yes! Cunnilingus positions a man to fully absorb these pheromones. So lads take her the whole way with all the art and grace you can muster. Take your time, it is not a race. Start gently and build your fervor with hers. Pay attention, she calls the shots. Do not hurry, savor this because it is a masterpiece you are creating, not a chore to be rushed through. Build up and back off. Pay close attention to all the areas, don't just concentrate on the bud. Take her to the edge, then back off, then build up again.

    When doing this, I feel like the conductor of a huge orchestra performing the final movement of Mahler's Second Symphony...The Resurrection! The tiniest flick here or there can change the tone or the tempo of this beautiful symphony. Plunge down and the rich tones of the cellos and double bass come to life, flick upward and the airiness of the woodwinds are evident. It is absolutely amazing, when you get to the plateau in her response cycle, the smallest changes in pressure or speed can effect huge changes in her reactions. A masterpiece indeed. When she flies off to Oz, one should press inward and inhale deeply and then hang on for dear life. You are going to go with her and she will show you vistas that you have never dreamed of. Give thanks to the Goddess and love this woman.

    Still too long, continued below.

  4. Continued from above:

    For those who would like to learn more about this magnificent art form, may I suggest the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner.


    This book starts with the ABCs and proceeds into a graduate study of this fine art. My only fault with Kerner is that I think he goes overboard with step by step procedures that defy my ability to remember them. Follow the philosophy and don't worry about if you are supposed to flick 5 times and count to 10 or flick 10 times and count to 5. Pay attention to her and you can hardly go wrong.

    All this said, I am not recommending giving up PIV sex, just saying that occasional equipment failures are no big deal. There is some body of thought that prostate glands should be flushed through ejaculation to help prevent prostate cancer. There is also some evidence that vaginal semen contact helps reduce depression in women. I firmly believe the opposite is true as well...penile contact with vaginal fluids is beneficial to a man. Obviously I am talking about about monogamist couples that practice absolute fidelity.

    Yes, there is a pharmaceutical solution to this, Viagra and the family of imitators. If necessary then one should consider these drugs. But how does one define necessary? To me it is not the occasional failure. To me as long as things work naturally most of the time, stay away from these drugs. What I fear is becoming dependent on these drugs and then developing a medical condition that would prevent me from taking them.

    I don't know how true it is but I recently read that vitamin D deficiency can lead to erectile problems. Maintaining basic fitness is also helpful for maintaining good function.

    I did notice your Freudian title. Let me first congratulate you for observing the desirability of a bush. The modern inclination inspired by porn to shave or wax it off, I think is unfortunate. I want my wife to look like a woman, not a puerile pre-pubescent girl. Also the modern inclination to hack off inner labia is also not only unfortunate but insane with the exception of the rare woman with truly hypertrophic labia that causes her pain or discomfort. Seldom is the gifts of the Goddess improved by a gynecologist with visions of buying a sports car or yacht. Again a trend inspired by porn that replaces the most beautiful, sensitive, and lovely petals with a featureless cleft.

    But yes some things suffer with menopause and advancing age. Myself, I miss that wonderful muskiness that a roll in the hay could produce back in the day. Our entire bedroom had the fragrance of creation. One whiff of our bed and you knew it was a well used marriage bed. We loved that fragrance, the scent of us, together. Oh it is still there but in a much smaller magnitude. We both miss it.

    I sort of look at it this way. Back when we were young, we MADE love. Now that we are older we make LOVE. The basics are the same, the emphasis, entirely different. Patience and understanding can go a long way.

    Fiftyodd...as usual, I have gone over the top (although I think you have come to expect that). If you find this comment to be too much, you know how to delete a comment, and I will understand.

    1. Sage comments as always. No need to delete.