Friday, 16 August 2013

Those Embarrassing Gaseous Emissions

Time to lighten things up.  At our ages there is so much sadness, illness and death to cope with (refer many of your blogs recently), I am putting in a humble bid for a few smiles amid the gloom. In my own life, I have nothing of great significance to report, so I thought I would contribute a useful 'coping' tip in this post. I refer to those airy and noisy (but not actually noisome) emissions that catch us off guard (hopefully, but by no means always) in our home environment where, blissfully, we may allow the 'wind to blow free'. This is fine but how do we cope when caught short while out shopping and have no choice but to dive into the nearest Public Convenience to deal with an impending Number 2 ? When I was young, I would rather have died first and simply held on until I got home.  With aging muscles and sphincters, this is no longer an option, so I have had to devise a plan.  Luckily, with advancing science, most public toilets sport the very latest (and noisiest) hot-air hand dryers, so I simply sit down and wait until I hear some-one start up one of these ghastly machines and then I can relax and begin.  Don't ask me what do I do if the toilets are empty.  Well, then it wouldn't matter, would it? (Duh)
I hope you all have a wonderful, happy and healthy week-end. PS - Sextant, I do not think this post will resonate with you.  It is my understanding that gentlemen do not share the same sensitivities as ladies in these affairs.  Something to do with competitions at school? I am now going to raise the tone a little, by listening to Schumann's Symphony No.3


  1. Which Schuman? Bill Schuman or Bob Schumann? If Bob, you will need this

    I prefer Bill.

    May I politely suggest Kegels, they seem to help all the muscle groups in the nether world.

    My own policy in such matters, when simply atmospherics are involved in a store is to find an empty aisle, expulse with some satisfaction, delay a moment for shall we say dispersal purposes, then flee the area with great haste. Solids always make it back home. It is that middle ground, neither solids nor atmospherics, usually signaling alimentary distress, marked with severe pressure spikes often acquiring exponential magnitudes, threatening to compromise the weakest link in the vessel's pressure boundary that become problematic. Should I break down and use the facilities or soldier on. At this juncture it is probably best to realize that pressure relief valves are placed into a system for the ultimate protection of the integrity of the vessel. Seeking refuge at said public conveniences is the best choice. Alas one time lacking such facilities, I flattened a road side bush from blast effects. It was amazing! Life in the physical plane instills in one a sense of humility.

    1. Perhaps I should give up some favorite items of my diet viz. broccoli, cauliflower, onions. Or - maybe I should swop to a completely unhealthy diet like a friend of ours who gazes at our plates in horror and says, "What? You eat PLANTS!" However, he has let slip that men in his family never live past the age of 65.
      NB - Wanted you to know I was reading your blog re Schumann.

    2. Oh, hell - I am not sure of the spelling - Schumann the composer of divine music.

    3. I have a theory that it is not the food that is good for you, it is flatulence that keeps us going.

      Defining divine music is very subjective to the Divine Soul that is listening. There are two Schuman(n)s of musical notoriety. Well actually three...

      19th Century Bob and Clara Schumann double n married couple. The better known Schumanns.

      Most people like these Schumanns.

      I like 20 century Bill one n, American, honcho of Julliard and Lincoln Center.