Thursday, 19 July 2012

Laws of LIfe

I really never do this - either by e-mail or on my blog, but honestly, I guarantee that anyone of a mechanical bent will enjoy and wholeheartedly agree with the following (which I have to confess did arrive on my e-mail by an anonymous author):

 1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
 2. Law of Gravity  - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 3.Law of Probability  - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of y our act. 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 

6. Variation Law-   If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7.Law of the  Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the perfo rmance or the game is over.  The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 13.  Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 15. Law of Logical Argument  - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance  - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking  - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 18.   Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy  - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better..  But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Hmmm... re Law No. 11 - I always try to sit in the middle of any row, anywhere, in order to avoid all the implications of this law.

8 comments:

  1. Gee, and here I thought all that stuff happened only to me. Corollary 1 of the #6 Variation states that if you get into the shortest line at the grocery store, the customer directly in front of you will have 50 payment cards with an average remaining value of $1.47 on each. Five of those cards will not work in the reader, 7 have no remaining value, 2 of them will be cards the store does not accept causing bitter complaints to the manager of the store, as though he could change the policy on the spot for a regional grocery chain that has 700 stores. The total amount of the cards successfully read will be only a fraction of the bill, which will then results in a repeat performance of the 5 cards that can't be read. After much cleaning the strips one card does work further reducing the bill by 49 cents and inspiring more confidence that somewhere on the four remaining cards the bill will magically be paid. More cleaning, more attempts, more griping that the amount on the two cards the store does not accept would more than adequately pay the bill, all to no avail. So now a mitful of credit cards comes out. Most are expired, five are not. One works and further reduces the bill by $13.24 cents and then is maxed out. The rest are already maxed out further inciting complaints that this card should be good, they paid the minimal balance on last months bill. Now comes out the checkbook, they write a check for the remaining balance, the check is fed through the register and rejected. Now comes out the cash further reducing the bill by $9.13 with a litany of complaints that the cash was needed to put gas in the tank and there is doubt that the car will run out of gas and all the frozen goods will be lost. There is still a remaining balance. A floor manager is called over to remove items from the bill because a partial payment has been made and refunding items is beyond the cashier's level of authority. The floor manager does not know how to use the cash register. You look over in the long line and you see the girl with pink hair checking out with a huge cart of groceries that walked into the store when you got into the short line. Several other employees are called in to aid the floor manager, slowly the first item is successfully refunded.

    Drat, my comment is too long. Continued below.

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  2. Continued from above.

    The cashier apologizes to you and suggests finding another line. But you are into this, you want to see this saga unfold to the bloody end. The next item is fresh broccoli. It must be weighed, the register can not find 27 ounces of broccoli, only 26.8 ounces, it will not approve the refund. An argument ensues with floor manager that the broccoli is not wanted. Well then we have to cancel the entire order and try again. The shopper relents on the broccoli, and reduces the order with goods with fixed prices, with accompanying comments as to how difficult life will be without shampoo, laundry detergent, etc. The four 6 packs of beer and 2 cartons of soft drinks are not returned. Finally the order is reduced below the tendered amount, resulting in a $1.23 refund. Because of the lengthy transactions the register runs out of receipt paper. The cashier looks under the counter, no tape. The assistance light flashes on and the floor manager returns. He does not know where the tape is stored. The cashier goes to find the tape. Mean while the floor manager attempts to remove the empty roll and jams it in the register. The person in front of you starts complaining that they just want their change and leave. The floor manager states the drawer on the cash register will not open until the register tape is replaced and the receipt is printed. The cashier returns with the new rolls of tape. The old roll is hopeless jammed. The floor manager calls the janitor on the PA. The janitor is outside having a cigarette and is not available. The floor manager walks out to his car and brings in a screw driver, pries out the roll but breaks the plastic door with the toothed cutter off the register. The out of tape alarm will not clear with broken door. The cashier presses the broken door into place and the receipt is printed and the register drawer opens. As soon as the cashier leaves go of the door falls off and the register out of tape alarms goes off.

    The money is refunded. The cashier notes the door laying on the floor.

    "I am sorry sir. This register is broken you will have to go to another line."



    OK, I will admit to putting different events into one incident, but there is nothing in the above story that hasn't happened to me. If you ever see me in a line at the grocery store, gas station, bank, or highway. Immediately get into another line.

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    1. I am sure that everything you describe has happened to me - although in the interests of a cracking good story, I think you may have embellished a little (or not?) So glad you made a post out of your comment.

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    2. ....and to most of us. So nice to be in good company!

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  3. I liked my comment so much that I copied and pasted it into my blog. I love these laws, every last one of them apply to me.

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  4. #15 is particularly true in political discussions.

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  5. I have to agree with #16. Why are all the pretty clothes a size 0 and everything that actually does fit me I wouldn't dress an elephant in? *sigh* Came by to visit you after reading Sextants most recent post. You've inspired him :)

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    1. So nice to see your face! All my info got contaminated when I was hacked. Have missed your blog and your comments. I had to start a new blog. Do come visit and PLEASE, tell me how to find yours. My "new" blog is More Crumbs from The Old Baguette. The only way I've been able to get to it is by googling the following: morecrumbsfromtheoldbaguette.blogspot.com

      Come for a visit and stay!

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