Thursday, 24 November 2011

Housewife's Horror of Aprons ... and a word on Sex

The Stepford Wives

My reluctance to wear an apron when cooking no doubt stems from not wishing to behave in any way like the robot wives in the film "The Stepford Wives" :  (if you know what an apron is you will remember the film). I like to think of myself as liberated and hence most of my clothes bear witness to this (tomato stains mostly). There was also an iconic TV cooking show at the time, mid-sixties, starring Fannie and Johnnie Cradock, who were frightfully aristocratic and cooked in evening clothes: a lackey would appear in the background, handing them the prepared ingredients. Also, even today, any advert referring to a fifties female, depicts her in an apron.  Nevertheless, I do think there is something to be said for Jerry Hall's mother's advice: " you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom." NB Jerry  said she would hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit. Well, that's an idea - if you can afford it. Most of us have to struggle on, trying to be Superwoman with a full-time job to boot.  Now that I am 'retired' and theoretically, have the time, there is the dire problem of receding hormones re "it-that-shall-not-be-named".  (Sorry, always been a Harry Potter fan). In the first twenty-eight years of my marriage I always showed willing in the bedroom unless "sick or (very) pregnant" (a quote from Jilly Cooper, now married for fifty years to Leo). This line of action I think has resulted in a very contented husband and has contributed in no small way to our long marriage. NB Please don't think I was ever frigid. I definitely enjoyed myself. On the few occasions when I have tried to explain more recently, my diminishing libido - I have been met with hurt looks and a conviction that I don't love him any more. He takes it very personally. Which is quite exasperating for me and means that I have to go back to faking it for his sake. Make no mistake: of course, I still love the physical closeness and am still nuts about my husband; it's just that my body lets me down: most of the time. There I've done it! Mentioned the unmentionable.  My latest worry is that my doctor wants me to give up my HRT after 10 years and I am dead against it. I look younger than my age and don't need lubricants.  I'd rather take my chances for a while longer. 

105 comments:

  1. I have a comment on your post here but do not feel at liberty to post it because:

    1) "that shall not be named" nature of the topic

    2) I am a man & that might seem creepy.

    3) This is a public forum.

    4) Who the hell am I to comment.

    So let me say this, none of the above bothers me, except possibly # 4, because I am certainly no expert...I have a data base of myself and my wife, but I have a lay interest (pun intended) in good marriages and the role of sexuality within them, and have read quite a bit about sexuality over the years...it is one of my interests.

    Let's put it this way, I don't believe that you and your husband are helpless in this problem and I think your marriage is one those rare jewels well worth the effort that involves no faking. I have no reservations about commenting here on your blog, and you as a blog owner have the power to delete my comment. It is up to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks. I was actually a bit disappointed that no-one really wants to comment. You may realise that I never intended my blog to be read by men but I thought you would read it and have a constructive comment. I would have liked the women to 'share' though. Still I have the feeling that most of them know each other even if only in the cyberspace world and would be embarrassed.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, I think as men go, I am on the woosier side of things. I don't care about football or fast cars, and don't have a problem discussing sexuality or love for my wife. I am working on a comment. It may be a little on the long side and perhaps a tad explicit without being vulgar.

    For now let me say that I admire your courage to mention the unmentionable and I don't regard low libido as being a woman's problem, it is a couple's problem and I think it has a couple's solution.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment is limited to HRT. Nothing explicit.

    I am not an expert in HRT, and I am not a big fan of taking any medication for anything except life threatening conditions. The Lord provideth one liver and your liver looks at all medications with a jaded eye. HRT seems to be one of those things that come in and out of medical vogue, but my understanding of it these days is that at least here in the US it is out of vogue because of the dangers of breast and uterine cancer and some cardio-vascular problems. Here is a short article from Mayo Clinic one of the better medical facilities in the US. I only chose it to try to get an objective discussion on HRT, this one seems more balanced. HRT has its fans and detractors and I think women need facts not emotions on the use of it. I would tend to fall in the detractor category. There is also a short link on testosterone therapy, another thing that I am not particularly in favor of.

    http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hormone-therapy/WO00046

    Obviously stopping HRT makes you subject to problems of menopause. Lack of lubrication is not an absolute. You may or may not suffer this problem. I don’t know anything about HRT but commonsense would suggest to try tapering your dosage gradually downward over some period rather than stopping cold turkey. But again that may be total BS. Check with your doctor on that. My own feeling is that the sooner you get off of HRT the better but again I am not terribly knowledgeable on it and what I do know is of course subject to medical fashion. I am always amazed at the cyclical nature of medical practice. I am a big believer that less is more regarding our bodies.

    One thing I would like to slap on the table about HRT, it may be contributing to your low libido. Again this could be BS, but I have read that women often have an increased libido after menopause due to less estrogen masking of the effect of testosterone. It also may contribute to a higher a higher level of aggression in older women, they tend to take less crap! During the Falklands War, I read that some of Margaret Thatcher’s response was based on her feeling her oats because of less estrogen masking of a woman’s natural testosterone levels from the adrenal glands.

    Another thing regarding estrogen, be aware of environmental estrogen mimics. Plastic used for food containers may leech chemicals into the food or beverages that can mimic estrogen. Heating food in plastic containers in the microwave, allowing beverages to sit a long time before use or allowing them to sit at elevated temperatures such in your car supposedly is bad. I have also heard concerns about hormones and antibiotics in meat. Another possible source of estrogen mimics are lawn treatments and pesticides. I have read that environmental estrogen is a huge cause of premature puberty in girls, late puberty in boys, low sperm counts, and low sexual drive in both men and women, and an increased risk of breast cancer in women. Again how much of this is fact and how much is emotion, I am not sure. Another consideration is how much the plastic manufacturers would like you to believe that it is emotional fiction. The tobacco industry in the US would still have us believe that smoking’s link to health problems is an emotional fiction. Corporate responsibility verses profits is always a slippery thing.

    Wikipedia’s article on HRT seems balanced and informative:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone_replacement_therapy_(menopause)

    Note this article mentions low libido is a side effect of HRT and is sometimes countered with an androgen added to the HRT.

    Well my comment is too long, continued next comment.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Continued from above.

    My own feeling on this (BS to be taken with a grain of salt) is that you are playing with fire with HRT. You have been on it 10 years, so in a manner of speaking you have been delaying full menopause for 10 years, not totally perhaps but partially. In our natural state, proper diet, lots of exercise from hunting and gathering and avoiding being something’s lunch, relatively late onset of puberty and early onset of menopause, and an almost a continual state of pregnancy and breast feeding in between, a natural human woman in a natural environment only experienced a fraction of the menstruation that a modern woman living a relatively sedate life in artificial circumstances and eating an artificial diet experiences.

    We don’t always like what nature cooks up for us. But I believe that humans evolved to go through menopause in our late 40s or early 50s when a woman is still relatively young. Delaying full menopause with HRT, causes the body to go through the stress of menopause at a later age and it may reek more harm on an older body. Again this may be BS, but I really do believe that you should consider quitting HRT sooner than later. I realize you see many positive advantages to HRT, but I can think of two very lovely reasons to quit HRT.

    Still working on the low libido comment.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am in this stage of life, marriage...I cannot give advice either. I talk to hubs about how we are both changing with this phase of life.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh let’s start this comment with a couple of quotes:

    "I am happy now that Charles calls on my bed chamber less frequently than of old. As it is I now endure but two calls a week and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England." Lady Hillingdon's Journal dated 1912.

    And while I searched my quote file for the above, I came across this jewel:

    “What has always baffled men in the contemplation of sexual love is the seeming inadequacy of its cause, the immense discrepancy between the necessarily circumscribed regions of mucous membrane which is the final goal of such love and the sea of world-embracing emotions to which it seems the door, so that, as Remy de Gourmont has said, 'the mucous membranes, by an ineffable mystery, enclose in their obscure folds all the riches of the infinite. It is a mystery before which the thinker and the artist are alike overcome.” Havelock Ellis (Married Love, Marie Stopes)



    Here again I have relied on Mayo Clinic to provide some basic information:

    http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/low-sex-drive-in-women/DS01043/DSECTION=causes



    So at this juncture let’s just assume that you have low libido not from any medical causes or overt psychological causes. What can you do about it?

    Well the first thing is to do all that standard stuff, improve your diet, eat oysters, buy lingerie, begin exercising, try doing it in the back yard at 3 AM. Do your Kegals. Think racy thoughts, communicate with your partner, and howl at the moon. Buy any women’s magazine and there will be 36 tips putting spice back into your love life and by all means try all 36 of them.

    Then what?

    First thing realize that sex ain’t going to work like it used to. When you were 20 you could do many things that you can’t do today. Well sex is no different, you can’t do it like you did when you were 20. And guess what, hubby can’t do it like he is 20 either. Oh the main tool may still work fine but it is a rare man at 60 that still has the horse power to operate it like he did in his 20s. Bad backs, arthritis, cardio-vascular function all work against the engine of love. That pile driving action of yesteryear becomes something of a careful tapping. So now you have two problems, one that is yours and the other that is his.

    Sex is God’s joke on mankind and a good bit of the joke is contained in female geography. The headquarters is located several miles from epicenter of the action, and when the action has been lowered by several integers on the Richter scale, it gets more difficult to shake Heaven and Earth.

    Another facet of God’s joke is that men and women respond differently to love. Men are instantly ready for action, humpity hump hump hump, putt-putt-putt, “Gee I think I’ll go watch the game.” Or they fall asleep. Women of course want to romance a bit, talk a bit, be held and caressed a lot, be warmed up for action a lot, humty te-do for a while, go off to Oz three or four times, and slowly return to Earth and cuddle and talk in the afterglow. So you have an asymmetry in response, men are like a high speed express elevator, right up to the 90th floor in less than two minutes, and right back down just as fast. Where women are like escalators, up you go at leisurely pace, stop and browse for a while at each floor and then take the escalator to the next. Same same on the way back down. Part of becoming a man is learning to slow down and do things at a woman’s pace. To hell with the game, I am going to stay here with this lovely woman and worship and appreciate her.

    The comment was too long continued below.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Continued from above

    When we get older all these responses slow down and desensitize. Things don’t work as good, sometimes men fail to rise to the occasion, sometimes women lose their way to Oz. Positions that we used to enjoy causes back spasms or an intense charlie horse in our hamstrings. We don’t look near as good as we used to either. OK, so what? You have been together for three decades, half the couples that got married the same year you did have been divorced for over 20 years. Who cares if an erection doesn’t always happen or orgasms don’t fall out of the trees anymore. You still love each other! Is it frustrating? Only if you let it be.

    Performance anxiety is a young persons sport.

    We can’t afford it. It is not the end of the world. Kiss, and caress, and enjoy being naked together, that is such a lovely sensation. Take a nap and try again in hour. If that doesn’t work, hell with it, there is always tomorrow. Change your expectations from love making with three earth shattering orgasms to we are going to hang out in the buff and what happens…happens.

    Due to the geography of the female anatomy, it becomes critical for men to take the action directly to the headquarters. Obviously large tooling with the macro movement of hips don’t work for this task. One needs a fine instrument with micro movements and delicate control and a lot of time. A man then uses this technique to take his woman out the yellow brick road to gates of Oz and then can complete the trip in the standard fashion. You have to experiment. If you find that you get to the gate and then lose it during the switch, then to hell with it, fly off to Oz on the tip of his tongue. Oz is Oz, the method of travel is interesting but certainly not critical. After he gets you there, you will be all warmed up and he can proceed in the standard manner. If you get to Oz again great, if not, what the hell, you already been there.

    The key to me is not to have expectations, both of you. No faking. Faking is a lie, no doubt a well intentioned lie, but a lie. If he finds out you have been lying that will hurt him and you are not doing yourself any favors either. The goal of mature love making is intimacy not orgasms. If you get to Oz great, but it is a lot easier to get their by accident than to set it as an absolute goal that results in failure. If you go to bed with no expectations, no matter what happens is good, because the two of you are together naked. Your body can’t let you down if there are no expectations. What happens simply happens.

    Still too long, continued below.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Continued from above.



    Remember the old saying about taking a shower with a rain coat on. Well I have pondered this and it is true. I think one of the grand reasons we have sex is to communicate with each other on a very basic level –bio-chemical. If I was ungodly wealthy like Bill Gates, I would fund a study of the bio-chemistry of sex. Well I don’t have money so all I can do is ponder it like a theoretical physicist—not that I am that smart, but I ponder anyhow and here is what I believe. When a couple gets together, I mean really together, there is a flood of bio-chemical information released and absorbed by both partners. That communication takes place regardless of Oz. Oz may change the nature of it, but I believe the communication takes place either way. So if you get together without the expectation of Oz, magic still take place, and it is very much well worth doing. If you need Oz, Oz will come. But I think we need that communication regardless of Oz, and when we deny ourselves that communication, things get worse.

    You can’t look at this as a Nasa launch any longer. In Making Love, Love is what is important, the Making becomes less so. You said that you loved the physical closeness and you are still nuts about your husband. And your husband’s response indicates that he is still nuts about you. Men just need to be taught that loving their woman is like conducting a symphony. That final crashing of the cymbals is a small part of the whole symphony. If the cymbals come great, if not you still have several hours (not 5 minutes) of beautiful music. The love is in the music not the crashing cymbals.

    Do away with expectation and get together often, you may be surprised what happens. Practice make perfect, and if it don't, what the hell, the practice is still a lot of fun and spiritually enriching.

    I do believe that humans do sex differently from the animal world because we have a Soul. When we make love our Souls touch regardless of whether we get to Oz or not. Get naked and stay nuts about each other, the world becomes a better place.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I would comment if I had any recent experience in the subject. As it is, I know less now than I did forty years ago.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ha, ha, June - not true! Sorry everyone - I did type another comment but pressed the wrong button.... Also, can't blog on week-ends. will continue this pm.....

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sextant - I have just read all your comments in detail. The Mayo clinic stuff, and the contributions of your good self, are amazing, enlightening, funny and full of good common sense. Great to have the man's view. I hope absolutely everyone over 60 reads all your comments on this post. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  13. fiftyodd,

    Thanks for the kind comment on my diatribe. Again I would like to remind everyone, don't confused length with knowledge. All the above should be regarded as my opinion formed from "research" on a data base of one couple, my wife and myself.

    There is one thing you mentioned in your post that I meant to expand on and compliment you. You said:

    "This line of action I think has resulted in a very contented husband and has contributed in no small way to our long marriage.

    What a lovely and beautiful sentiment. I believe this to be a golden truth that should be placed on roadside billboards. But I would like to make one small change (which you alluded to in the next sentence) "a very contented wife and husband...". Sex is not a wife's duty. Men don't need a whore in the bedroom, they need an equal heart to heart companion. Men need to learn this. Sex should be a COUPLES'S pleasure. It is both of you being contented that contributed to your long marriage. My message to those of us on the threshold of the golden years...embrace your sexuality, love your partner, be patient with equipment failures, and remain sexual beings until death do you part. Get naked and simply enjoy what ever might happen. Research shows that men live longer and healthier if they maintain a sexual relationship with loving wife. I suspect that women do too but the last I read there was some uncertainty. Women may live as just as long without sex as they do with, but I find that hard to believe.

    Again I want to compliment you on your courage to post this, and compliment you on having a wonderful marriage and having the humanity and the heart to share it with us. We are surrounded by so many unhappy marriages, it is fantastic to read about the great ones. You have been an inspiration to me, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You make me feel humble. You write beautifully. How blessed are we both.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Blessed indeed, again thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know I still have a while until I reach your "target audience" age but even though I am not there yet I love what you write. Just wanted to share that :)

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